Read this every time you put yourself out there only to find yourself immediately confronted by your small self.
This is about that time you revealed your peculiar business venture, unexpected career change, strange haircut, new relationship, unexpected move, political views, etc.
You felt raw, exposed, vulnerable. You did these things because you felt good about them and proud enough to share them. Little did you know, you triggered the small self-gremlin residing in the hollows of your mind, whispering: What are you doing? Who exactly do you think you are, being unapologetically yourself?
Suddenly, a blanketed cloud of despair washes over you as you stand there waiting to be validated, or worse, applauded, for your course of action. The reaction you received might not have been as grand as you had expected, or even remotely satisfying. You might have been ignored or told off. Before you know it, you start feeling small and pointless. You wonder why you ever made such a decision or bothered to share the news. No one understands me, your mind begins.
These moments are difficult to get through (without emotional damage and self-sabotage) if you don’t know how to deal with them.
This is three-step guide that will help you to overcome your smallness.
1. Resist the uncomfortable feeling
What you must do to calm an “I’m so scared to be seen!” emotional storm is this: Resistance. Bask in the uncomfortable feeling for as long as possible. Your heart may be racing, your face might be turning red. It’s all so natural. Endure it. Don’t suppress it, try to rationalize or overcome it. Not yet. Just feel it and declare it a normal event. Once you do, your mind will freak out that you’re not freaking out and eventually subside.
Think of this feeling as an unexpected visitor who you have chosen to welcome and make comfortable despite their uncomfortable presence. You don’t resist their visit or ask them why they’ve come. Instead, you treat them with pleasantries and make unimportant small talk while they stay.
Don’t try to talk yourself out of this feeling, or worse, react to it. Allow it to be there without doing anything about it, that is the first step.
2. Rationalize your feelings
Now that you’ve allowed your feeling to just be there, it’s time to rationalize it and try to understand it.
Your small self is a character created by your mind. Feeling small is a result of this mental creation. Our worst fear as humans is to be ignored or rejected for who we are. This fear is threatening to our minds, which operates on a fight-or-flight mode trying to protect you from ensuing harm. You need to treat your mind like a pre-programmed piece of software that doesn’t know any better.
Then, you’ll have to break the cycle. By breathing and letting your mind know that you are aware of where it is coming from and instilling your own kindness upon it. Take a deep breath and speak to yourself and say:
“I know you are feeling vulnerable right now. You are trying to protect me. Thank you for that. But I wish to let you know that this sadness you are forcing on me is not protecting me, it is just confining me, and I know that’s not what you want for me. Dear sadness, you are acknowledged. I know it doesn’t feel great right now. Perhaps it is my desperate need to be validated that got us here. But that’s not our fault. It is natural to want to feel validated, in fact, as humans, we are wired to. I need you to know that how I am being perceived right now is based on our perception. It is our opinion about it that is causing me to feel sad. How people react has nothing to do with me. I am still loved. I am still valuable. My worth doesn’t fluctuate based on what I do or don’t do. I am safe. And with your support, I will truly feel safe. Even so, I promise to be kind to you, dear self, because I want to protect us from any luring sadness. Because I deserve happiness, the best kind of happiness: pure bliss. Let’s not sweat the small stuff and embrace this act of courage. It really isn’t the end of the world. Nowhere close.”
It doesn’t matter what fancy suit you’re wearing when you tell your big news or how fancy your baby’s new name sounds. It’s completely natural to feel small when you put yourself out there. You might wish for the earth to swallow you right then and there. You worry about fear, judgment, criticism, being ignored. But by speaking to yourself with kindness, you are validating your feelings, rationalizing your thoughts, calming your mind and choosing to overcome this feeling. Deep down, you know you don’t want to feel like you are a misunderstood, ill-treated, unloved person who will never belong. Because that’s not really the truth, despite how you may feel. Those negative thoughts and feelings you are having only reinforce your imagined small state. You know you can do so much better. Every time you feel small, repeat the passage above or something similar that will resonate with your heart.
3. Shift your focus away from yourself
You owe it yourself to be kind to yourself. Now that you have, it’s time to shift your attention from yourself toward others. Remember not everything is about you, despite how it may seem.
By now you have regained your confidence and inner peace so it will be easy to operate from a place of self-acceptance and calm, rather than defensiveness and bitterness. Maybe you aren’t in the right crowd to share your news. Maybe the recipients of your news are busy thinking about something else, perhaps their similar intention to make an imminent course of action. Maybe somehow they feel threatened by your big news. See where other people are it, what’s on their mind, or if there’s anything they’d like to share. After all, people really do love to talk about themselves.
By doing so, you’re allowing yourself to escape your mind and engage in someone else’s reality. Connect with others for the sake of truly engaging not simply to escape your own mind; that’s when you’ll feel more at ease. It’s easier said than done, but it will come to you. Listen to others, validate them, and in turn, they will feel more at ease around you.
The more comfortable you are with yourself, the more other people will take notice and accept you for who you are. If you treat yourself with love and take things easy, you’re cultivating a strong identity that is not shaken by what people think or don’t think about you. This way, not only do you reclaim your power, but you teach your mind that you can endure much greater acts of courage. We grow, one act of courage at a time.
